Friday, January 18, 2019

Instant Gratification and Long Term Benefits

Hello, Bitchy Readers.

I woke up this morning from a long dream where I was walking home at sunset and talking to Oprah and Gayle.  Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. My walking companions. Oh, if only. I’m writing this before I forget the dream. 

I remember telling them how I was going to focus on the short term goals, the next 3-6 months of my life instead of the next 10 years. My reasoning was because too much happens over a 10-year span and it’s impossible to really know what you want for yourself that far ahead. (Optimal health and basic needs aside.)

As my brain clears from sleeping, I think that is quite wise. 

10 years ago, I had a very different life. Now, I have different resources. I have a different understanding about myself and life in general. 

It’s very cold and snowy right now. I’ve been indulging in some quality time with my television. Not all of my life goals involve grand activities. Growing up without a television set me on a path to ensuring I get days where I can watch as much TV as I please, without interruptions. 

Of all the possible luxuries in the world, staying home on a blustery day to binge-watch new shows (Killing Eve) and old (Desperate Housewives), is in the top three. I don’t know what my other two are, I’m still sleepy. 

If you've ever read any sort of self-help books-I've read tons in my 20s-you know about the "ego". The part of you that is never satisfied. The monkey banging the cymbals incessantly in your brain. 

The monkey in my head says "Achieve! Achieve! Achieve!" 

It gets rather annoying on a day where I hang out at home watching movies. 

For years and years, I've been busy. Nonstop work, nonstop practicing my violin or nowadays, writing. The reason I do anything is to feel better. Sometimes my actions give me instant gratification-road trips. Sometimes, I don't see results until years later-excellent credit score. 

If I look back at the last 12 months, I can't remember everything I did or said. I have bank statements that tell me what I spent my money on and items like this place I live in and the vehicle I drive that I acquired within this last year. All of the major decisions I made were to hopefully benefit my life and via ripple effect, the lives of those I care about. 

I overthink many things, not to the point where I can't make a decision, but where I can lose my motivation. This week, I overthought a lot of articles that are still in draft form. I made a decision, partly based on the increasingly cold weather, to stay inside and relax. Do a lot of stretching, maintain my clean house and catch up on TV. So, I didn't write as much as I have in previous weeks. 

My goals haven't changed, but I needed some instant gratification. Entertaining gratification. Television gives me that. It also puts me in a state of mind where I'm happy and living my dream of relaxing at home while people shovel their driveways. My driveway is being cleared right now by a snow removal company. Perks of living in a townhouse. 

I'm very much like a kid in my private moments. I dance around my house and go " It's so awesome living here."  Maybe that's not like a kid, I never felt that way as a child.

As an adult, I feel free. At 36, without children and a spouse, I feel relaxed and yet firm in my life choices. I don't regret ending the relationships I have had. I don't regret letting go of certain dreams I clung so tightly to because I've been given the resources to explore bigger ideas. 

I've done this so I can say this-you can put all your energy into trying to make something happen because you think it's what you want, and then become so desperate to make it happen that it implodes in disaster. Then you discover something else that gives you the same feelings that you thought the other thing would give you.


I thought I would spend my life being a professional violinist and teacher. I spent 10 years doing this and then I realized I didn't feel fulfilled.  I've spent 10 years doing other lines of work and have had many different experiences and I feel more satisfied in my daily life than I did as a musician. 

I don't have traditional relationships or responsibilities and yet, I still feel fulfilled. It's not a mystery to me. Every night, I climb the stairs to bed and feel endlessly grateful for my life. I'm glad I can enjoy these moments now. 

Don't be afraid to question your life. There are more discoveries to be made. 

Have a lovely day.


LeNora Faye
Bitchy Bookkeeper
Almost an Author
Former Fantastic Violinist

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