Friday, September 14, 2018

Desperate Desires From the Past



In first grade, we had to write down our future desired career. I wrote nurse.

I guess every girl wrote nurse because I had to change mine. So I wrote baker because then I could make donuts.

Flash forward to 5th-grade health class- learning about veins and blood and I’m feeling dizzy as fuck. 

In that moment, I decided that a career in medicine was not for me.

Grade 6- my music abilities are developing nicely. So I decide  I want to be a music teacher. 

10th grade- I become a student teacher to 20 kids learning how to play the violin.

11th grade-I start attending an alternative high school because I’m now teaching full time and continuing my music studies. 

Age 26-after 10 years of teaching and performing, I realize I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m on an impromptu road trip. The weather back home was miserable and everyone is busy and I’m free to do what I want so I just repacked my suitcase and headed out after a week at my place.

So, I’m driving through mountainous national parks and it’s both rainy and sunny and I’m listening to all sorts of motivational podcasts. 

Oprah, Marie Forleo, Seth Godin. I love insights from people who are living the way I aspire to live. Famous or not.

An idea was presented from one of these podcasts- 

Everything I have now is a gift from my former self. Do I still want that gift?

I spent 20 years playing the piano and violin and learning music theory. I had a 10-year teaching career that I loved. I couldn’t imagine not doing that, until the moment I realized I didn’t want to. 

I struggled for a few years after I quit teaching and performing. I felt bad for not playing. But I have come to understand that I have no obligation to music. I enjoyed it and I am allowed to have other dreams and passions.

I am fully immersed in writing. This is all I do. The style varies for social media and other publications aside from this blog. I’m working on two novels as well. 

5 years from now, I may look at all of this work and where it has taken me and go,

“Ok, I’ve accomplished this goal, time to explore movie score composing.”

I won’t be living in the same house I live in now. I will be looking to upgrade my current vehicle, which I purchased new 6 months ago.

The life I create now is paving the way for a new life. 

The things I so desperately wanted when I was younger,  I don’t care about now. 

Fortunately, I didn’t want anything that leads to permanent effects. Like a tattoo or kids.

But even a tattoo, you can remove or alter. 

There are legal ramifications for removing or altering children.  

I think puppies and kittens and kids are cute. But I love being able to pack up and go and stay anywhere.  I don’t want to plan my life around a school schedule. 

I also don’t want to risk my health by creating a human that has a chance of being unhealthy or unable to function at full capacity. I am not a caregiver. 

I have seen what happens to individuals who have life long responsibilities caring for differently abled offspring. Children may be healthy but accidents happen. 

I know it’s so easy to get caught up in an idea, especially when you see other people having so much fun but there is always reality. Sometimes reality is better than expected. Sometimes it really sucks.

10 years ago, I went after a dream, which didn’t turn out the way I hoped. But it led to adventures that in turn have led me to now, which is the life I originally hoped for myself and even greater flexibility.

I’m not doing what it is that I thought I would be doing 10 years ago, but how I feel inside is exactly what I hoped for.

I’m on a small mountain right now. Literally and figuratively. I’m surrounded by much higher mountains, ones that I want to climb. I love the mountain I’m on, it's great with a lovely view. But I have more to do. 

I’m not wistfully wishing I were on the next mountain. I’m thinking

 ‘I’ve made it this far, this is amazing. Take a moment, and enjoy climbing the next one. It’s going to take a while but there are lovely stops along the way. You have comfortable shelter when things get tough.”

Speaking of shelter, it just began to rain. 

Have a lovely day.


Sincerely,

LeNora Faye
Bitchy Bookkeeper 
Almost an Author
Former Fantastic Violinist 

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