Good Day, Bitchy Readers.
First of all, if you are experiencing feelings of anxiety, guilt, shame or panic because you don't have or what children....let me give you a big, virtual hug.
I don't randomly hug people, I believe in personal space. But this morning I had an experience that was so intense, it gave me a greater awareness into how some of you may be feeling.
And I want to tell you that your life will be OK.
So here's what happened.
Sunday morning is a sacred time for me. Not because I go to church or anything. I grew up going to church 3 times a week. Nowadays I don't believe in religion or the Bible. I never got energy from either.
I believe in connection with a creative force that is beyond any understanding.
I like to open all my windows and let the sunshine into my house. This morning I watched two motivational videos and wrote in one of my many journals. I wrote to feel at peace with where I'm at in my life.
I wrote with the intention of being inspired to do more with my life.
I then sat in silence, drinking my coffee and gazing out the bay window of my living room. I felt that I had to meditate. To ask for a sign that my life is on the right track.
Today, however, I felt nervous about asking for a sign. Like I knew I should ask for one but I really didn't want to see a sign.
I never feel this way.
I went upstairs to my 3rd level office. I left my phone and laptop in the living room so I had no electronics on the top floor. Not even a clock.
I decided to meditate for a minute in my office, sitting on the mini rebounder I've converted into an ottoman, with a large fluffy body pillow for my back.
I sat for a few seconds.
Legs stretched out, enjoying the quiet of my house.
Outside I could hear kids playing in the school playground across from the church. I could also hear the congregation singing as the church is behind my house.
I felt calm during my meditation.
I actually began to speak out loud all of my dreams I could see for myself.
I'm an entertainer.
I want to speak all over North America and I could see myself in theatres everywhere.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Haha.
Afterward, I went down the hall to my bedroom to make my bed. I just felt like it. The air is very dry where I live so I run a humidifier beside my bed to reduce static. I went to refill it with water and I noticed the bathroom light flickering.
One of the bulbs burnt out. I looked at it for a moment and then the bulb came back on.
Odd, I thought.
Something told me to see what that meant. According to Google, a spirit was trying to contact me.
Now, I'm not the world's most sensitive person and I usually don't feel that kind of energy. I went back upstairs to finish making my bed and turn the humidifier on.
I noticed a rip in my blanket. It's a patchwork quilt made from my late mother's sewing materials. Most of the fabric she used to make my dresses when I was a kid.
My paternal grandmother made this blanket for me after mom died. My grandma has also since passed away so I take extra care of this blanket. It's pink and colorful and I'm using it on my bed for the warmer months.
Anyway, I took out my needle and thread to begin repairing this one patch.
Out of nowhere I heard a voice in my head (or felt the words, it's hard to explain).
"I have to have a baby."
I ignored it at first and then over the course of a minute, the feeling intensified.
I was like, what the fuck do you mean I have to have a baby.
No, I don't.
My skin grew hot.
My heart began to pound. Chest pains.
Suddenly I was having trouble breathing.
I put down my needle and thread and had both hands flat on my bed. I tried to look out my bedroom bay window and everything was spinning.
It felt like someone was screaming inside of me
"YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BABY!!!"
Over and over again.
I don't have panic attacks but I realized this was a panic attack.
What was going on here?
Did I have to have a baby?
My body was feeling ill. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to jump out a window. I was shaking. My heart was going to explode. I didn't know what was happening.
My instincts kicked in and I began to whisper...
"You DON'T have to have a baby."
I repeated this over and over again.
"You DON'T have to have a baby."
I kept saying this softly until my body began to calm down.
I remember thinking about my new IUD. I'm not having it taken out. I'm not even sleeping with anyone right now.
I realized this wasn't about me. I was feeling the intense shame and guilt and anxiety that women all over the world are feeling.
It was horrid. I could barely move.
I've been pretty lucky in my life to feel strong and confident about my choice to not have kids.
But I've met women who aren't so lucky.
As I said, I don't get panic attacks. I don't suffer from depression or anxiety. I have felt depressed and anxious, yes, but I don't suffer from it.
The feeling passed as I repeated over and over again
"You don't have to have a baby."
My body returned to its normal calm state. I resumed my sewing.
Well, I got my sign, I thought to myself. I never want to ask for another one again. That hurt like hell. No wonder I felt nervous about asking.
The light in the bathroom stopped flickering.
The energy was gone.
I am on the right path.
I am here to tell you, you don't have to have a baby.
So, I send you a hug, wherever you are.
If you are feeling like you cannot live until you have a child or give in to the pressure you feel to have one, hang in there.
The truth is you can bring life into this world that has nothing to do with a baby.
You are more than your uterus.
Yes, society praises motherhood, so much so that all the negative stuff gets covered up with:
"But it's all worth it in the end."
If you are feeling that deep panic, that endless anxiety, having a child will not ease that.
Listen to yourself. Connect with your higher self, whatever you believe.
Something that is good and pure and right for you will not cause you that panic.
Being childfree is a gift.
Your life is useful and valuable. It may take you longer to find your purpose compared to your friends who are basing their lives on school schedules and baby's sleep schedule.
That's OK. Keep focused, life will support you.
You can and will lead a satisfying and fulfilled existence.
Have a lovely day.
Almost an Author
Former Fantastic Violinist