Thursday, June 20, 2019

When Oprah Speaks

Hello, Bitchy Readers.

Last night I sat in a packed arena listening to Oprah Winfrey speak as only Oprah Winfrey can. 

My brother and I had tickets for the nosebleed section but when we arrived early, we got upgraded to floor seats. 

"You get a free upgrade and YOU get a free upgrade!"

We wandered around the club level for a while before making our way onto the floor.  

It was a party atmosphere.

A lot of women with wine dancing to BeyoncĂ© in the aisles. 

I don't drink but I'm sure I got drunk off the alcohol fumes permeating the air. 

The floor seats are so close together you can't help but get to know your neighbors. Lucky for me I sat beside a cute couple. We got to chatting about where we grew up and certain life experiences we've faced. 

For me, it was a nice reminder that every single human being has a story. The details may be different, but the underlying feelings are the same. 

You can bond with a stranger over a shared feeling. 

Japanese Gardens
(I took a day trip on Monday to visit these Japanese Gardens 2 hours south from where I live.)

The entire stadium rose to greet Oprah when she walked out on stage. She wore a beautiful floor-length white dress. She looked amazing. 

We were sitting in row 16 so I could actually see her. 

To me, the atmosphere was calm and cozy, despite 18,000 people in attendance.

Oprah doesn't need flash and hype. She's very grounded and seems approachable. 

Even when sharing a story about how she once told the pilot to turn the plane around mid-flight so she could visit her dying mother. 

 "You can do that when you own the plane" she said, to laughter. 

Oprah has a gift for weaving her poor beginnings into her enormous success without making you feel less than. You can tell she appreciates everything she has. 

My favourite story she shared involved her b/f Stedman. 

He was complaining to her that someone had called him "Oprah Winfrey's Boyfriend" instead of his actual name, Stedman Graham.

She told the audience that she let him calm down for a while before reminding him that yes, she IS Oprah Winfrey and yes, he IS her boyfriend.  

She told him that she was not going to shine less just so that he could shine more


She told us that she spoke from a place of love and not fear which made all the difference in that conversation. 

I've only had one long-term relationship and I remember the days when I spoke from a place of fear. I hated that feeling. 

Writing helps me to deal with feelings. To explore and express how I feel.  

Oprah is an inspirational figure to me. 

Not because she isn't a mother, but because she was inspired to create a platform where she can be herself. 

Have you ever gotten asked this question:

" What's the point of your life if you aren't married and don't have kids?"

I saw that question a few days ago, again, on social media. It can feel like a personal attack if you aren’t ready for it. 

The title of Oprah's speaking tour is called "Your Path Made Clear", after her new book which is going to benefit The Oprah Winfrey Boys & Girls Club in Mississippi where she's from. 

I just Googled the facility and it's impressive. 

Anyway, having a clear path for your life. 

Knowing what you want to do and what it is you came here to do. 


I grew up religious so my "path" was to follow the bible exactly as it was "written" and don't question a thing. 

That didn't happen. 

When I was 12, after years of music lessons ( piano and violin), I decided I was going to grow up to be a professional violinist and teacher. That's as far as I could see my life. 

I did have a 10-year career and then I felt I had hit the ceiling. ( I began teaching full-time at 15.)

At 26, my path became very muddy. I had no idea where I was going. 

I'd say it has taken another 10 years to get to where I am now, seeing another path for myself. 

And it's actually merging everything I've wanted to do since I was a child. 

Entertain people. Via music, public speaking, or writing. 

As I sat in the audience watching Oprah--a 65-year-old woman who has created such an empire, I thought how cool it is to witness someone doing what they love. 

Her energy filled the stadium. 

I love my alone time. My solo travels. Singing to myself in my vehicle as I cruise the mountain roads. Even cooking dinner in my kitchen. Those moments fill me up. 

And then I have so much energy to give out. 

But I don't want to give it out at random. I don't want to give my energy away to a societal expectation like being a mother. 

I want to give it to people who are looking to feel better about life. I want everyone in the world to feel like life is worth living. That you don't have to do the same thing that has been done. 

As your life progresses you begin to understand its deeper meaning. If you ignore it, life gets really hard until it forces you to stop and take a look at yourself. 

I know this because it has happened to me. 

I love to talk and share life experiences. I'm an open book, you can ask me anything. I'm discovering the power of sharing because it turns out, most of us have common feelings about the same things. And then you don't feel like you're alone. 

Like not wanting to have kids. 

Isn't it a great feeling when you meet someone else who doesn't want kids? 

Or when you realize that visiting your hometown makes you feel all those icky feelings you had as a teenager. 

We can surround ourselves with dozens of people. Have a massive social group and yet no one really knows how you feel inside about the smallest of things. 

Those small things seem insignificant but they aren't. Chances are, most people feel the same way but no one ever says anything about it. The next time you meet a stranger, mention something in passing about how you feel if you're making small talk. You may find some common ground. 

Oprah acknowledges that she is still on her journey and learning more about her place in this world.

She also says that life begins at 50. Which is great to know because I'm turning 37 in December and I don't worry about my age at all. 

I don't wish to trade places with anyone else. I am me. I'm discovering all that I can do and I'm willing to put myself out there in a manner that suits me. 

Somedays it definitely feels like a gamble--that maybe I should give up and take a safer route but that would mean betraying myself. 

Another good point that Oprah made last night. Standing up for yourself, in all situations. 

So, bringing this back around to choosing to remain childfree.

 I, LeNora Faye, hereby declare that I shall remain childfree-by-choice as this is the path that I've been called to. I have a lot to offer this world, even if I can't yet put it into words. I am valuable and feel at peace with where I'm at.

And I wish this for you, dear Bitchy Readers, to feel valued and at peace with where you are in life. It's always changing. 

Have a lovely day. 


LeNora Faye
Bitchy Bookkeeper
Almost an Author
Former Fantastic Violinist (although I'm starting to practice again)

Click for all the childfree links!

Sunday, June 9, 2019

If You Feel Shame for Not Having or Wanting Kids, Read This.

Good Day, Bitchy Readers. 

First of all, if you are experiencing feelings of anxiety, guilt, shame or panic because you don't have or what children....let me give you a big, virtual hug. 

I don't randomly hug people, I believe in personal space. But this morning I had an experience that was so intense, it gave me a greater awareness into how some of you may be feeling.  

And I want to tell you that your life will be OK. 

So here's what happened. 

Sunday morning is a sacred time for me. Not because I go to church or anything. I grew up going to church 3 times a week. Nowadays I don't believe in religion or the Bible. I never got energy from either. 

I believe in connection with a creative force that is beyond any understanding.

I like to open all my windows and let the sunshine into my house. This morning I watched two motivational videos and wrote in one of my many journals. I wrote to feel at peace with where I'm at in my life. 

I wrote with the intention of being inspired to do more with my life. 

I then sat in silence, drinking my coffee and gazing out the bay window of my living room. I felt that I had to meditate. To ask for a sign that my life is on the right track. 

Today, however, I  felt nervous about asking for a sign. Like I knew I should ask for one but I really didn't want to see a sign.

I never feel this way. 

I went upstairs to my 3rd level office. I left my phone and laptop in the living room so I had no electronics on the top floor. Not even a clock.  

I decided to meditate for a minute in my office, sitting on the mini rebounder I've converted into an ottoman, with a large fluffy body pillow for my back.

I sat for a few seconds.

Palms up.

Legs stretched out, enjoying the quiet of my house. 

Outside I could hear kids playing in the school playground across from the church. I could also hear the congregation singing as the church is behind my house. 

I felt calm during my meditation.

I actually began to speak out loud all of my dreams I could see for myself. 

I'm an entertainer. 

I want to speak all over North America and I could see myself in theatres everywhere.  

San Francisco.


Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Haha. 

Afterward, I went down the hall to my bedroom to make my bed. I just felt like it. The air is very dry where I live so I run a humidifier beside my bed to reduce static. I went to refill it with water and I noticed the bathroom light flickering. 

One of the bulbs burnt out. I looked at it for a moment and then the bulb came back on.

Odd, I thought. 

Something told me to see what that meant. According to Google, a spirit was trying to contact me. 

Now, I'm not the world's most sensitive person and I usually don't feel that kind of energy. I went back upstairs to finish making my bed and turn the humidifier on. 

I noticed a rip in my blanket. It's a patchwork quilt made from my late mother's sewing materials. Most of the fabric she used to make my dresses when I was a kid.

My paternal grandmother made this blanket for me after mom died.  My grandma has also since passed away so I take extra care of this blanket. It's pink and colorful and I'm using it on my bed for the warmer months. 

Anyway, I took out my needle and thread to begin repairing this one patch. 

Out of nowhere I heard a voice in my head (or felt the words, it's hard to explain). 

"I have to have a baby."

I ignored it at first and then over the course of a minute, the feeling intensified. 

I was like, what the fuck do you mean I have to have a baby. 

No, I don't. 

My skin grew hot.

My heart began to pound. Chest pains.

Suddenly I was having trouble breathing. 

I put down my needle and thread and had both hands flat on my bed. I tried to look out my bedroom bay window and everything was spinning. 

It felt like someone was screaming inside of me


Over and over again. 

I don't have panic attacks but I realized this was a panic attack. 

What was going on here? 

Did I have to have a baby?

My body was feeling ill. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to jump out a window. I was shaking. My heart was going to explode. I didn't know what was happening. 

My instincts kicked in and I began to whisper...

"You DON'T have to have a baby."

I repeated this over and over again. 

"You DON'T have to have a baby."

I kept saying this softly until my body began to calm down.

I remember thinking about my new IUD. I'm not having it taken out. I'm not even sleeping with anyone right now. 

I realized this wasn't about me. I was feeling the intense shame and guilt and anxiety that women all over the world are feeling. 

It was horrid. I could barely move. 

I've been pretty lucky in my life to feel strong and confident about my choice to not have kids. 

But I've met women who aren't so lucky. 

As I said, I don't get panic attacks. I don't suffer from depression or anxiety. I have felt depressed and anxious, yes, but I don't suffer from it. 

The feeling passed as I repeated over and over again   

"You don't have to have a baby."

My body returned to its normal calm state. I resumed my sewing. 

Well, I got my sign, I thought to myself. I never want to ask for another one again. That hurt like hell. No wonder I felt nervous about asking. 

The light in the bathroom stopped flickering. 

The energy was gone. 

I am on the right path. 

I am here to tell you, you don't have to have a baby. 

So, I send you a hug, wherever you are.

If you are feeling like you cannot live until you have a child or give in to the pressure you feel to have one, hang in there. 

The truth is you can bring life into this world that has nothing to do with a baby

You are more than your uterus.

 Yes, society praises motherhood, so much so that all the negative stuff gets covered up with: 

"But it's all worth it in the end."

If you are feeling that deep panic, that endless anxiety, having a child will not ease that. 

Listen to yourself. Connect with your higher self, whatever you believe. 

Something that is good and pure and right for you will not cause you that panic. 

Being childfree is a gift. 

Your life is useful and valuable. It may take you longer to find your purpose compared to your friends who are basing their lives on school schedules and baby's sleep schedule. 

That's OK. Keep focused, life will support you. 

You can and will lead a satisfying and fulfilled existence. 

Have a lovely day.


LeNora Faye
Bitchy Bookkeeper
Almost an Author
Former Fantastic Violinist

Click for all the childfree links!